We all love a positive post. Fun stories. Success secrets. Know what else is important? Being honest. Sometimes we just need to know we are not alone in our thoughts. Today I feel led to share the real reason I’ve been quiet lately. This process? Finding my balance.
What happens when you had a solid plan in place, started to close in on actually making that happen-and suddenly your world changes? An unexpected curveball is headed straight for you, and lands where it hurts the most. In your mind. It affects your thoughts. Your speech. Your outlook on life, and the way you navigate it. What if your very world starts spinning out of control? Every step is faltering. Every day spent searching for balance.
How do you take the next step? What IS the next step? How can the passion and drive, the fire and spirit of the pursuit on which you’ve always been able to rely- dissipate like smoke? How can the colors around you-once bright, exciting, and contagious- seem dull, and gray? Literally.
You know you must keep going, but the desire is almost gone. The books that once inspired you sit unopened, collecting dust. Some are brand new, purchased with anticipation. Hope burned brightly at the thought of the powerful fuel awaiting you for others, but now? Their positive message is safely locked inside. Helping no one. Not even you.
The highlighters lean in the nearby holder, capped tightly-much like your true emotions. Carefully kept from exposure, as you feel certain opening the lid would cause them to dry out immediately. The reserve is dangerously low. You know you have to refill to be able to be used. To make your mark on the things that matter most. You tell yourself you want to save the ink that’s still inside, for the right time to open up. You know it will get messy if you do. The tissue box is close. The tears, even closer. All the years of training, hours of daily preparation-many before the light of day…often deep into the night- wait silently in the corners of your mind, unsure when they’ll see the spark of activity again, or any movement at all. Honestly uncertain you even want to bring them back into the light- any time soon. Often wondering if they are simply a figment of your imagination. Though extremely well-prepared, humbled and grateful for the time spent during the growth process, you feel strangely unconfident, uncharacteristically incompetent, and unexplainably sad. Detached from the years and lives once touched and held dear. A mourning, of sorts. It makes little sense. At the same time, it makes all the sense in the world.
Deception is called deception for a reason.
I know this.
I have a promise. There is a calling on my life. I won’t drop it. I know everything I am feeling is part of the process. It’s confusing. It’s getting old fast. It’s happening for a reason, and I will not take this time for granted. It’s all part of His plan. Crops don’t grow overnight.
This season will not be wasted. Thank you for letting me be vulnerable today. Maybe you have felt the same way? Maybe you don’t quite understand. Either way, I appreciate you listening. For those of you that are-Will you keep praying? Thank you! Every one of you, is so special, and you are appreciated!
With His help, I will be back.
We will overcome…and
WIN. 🙂
2 Cor.5:7 “For we walk by faith, not by sight.”
Plus-sized faith today,
Donnarae
