I heard a great quote today. It went something like this: “If this is your only shot at life, are you giving it your best shot?” It was directed to a class, and I’m so grateful for our teachers and mentors, who pour into us on a weekly-sometimes daily, basis. It reminded me that this isn’t a time to slide through…to glide by…to sit back and meander down the rest of life’s path. I want to walk with purpose. On purpose. In purpose! We are here for a reason, y’all. What are you called to do? You’ll see new focus from me in the coming months. More speaking. More writing. More sharing. More caring. And, more about being “Called For a Reason.”
I have a desire to write, and to speak, and they are both so strong! Do you have that feeling inside? The one that maybe you’re not exactly certain what you need to do, but you need to do something?!
Me, too.
That pretty much describes my last year. Just when I was about to put my finger solidly on exactly why I am here, our world turned upside-down.
For months I was in a fog. A very dark place, and one I had never experienced before. For the first time in my happy, positive, cheerful life…I was feeling down. Actually sinking into depression. Even writing those words seems impossible.
When you start that downward spiral, several things happen. 1. You could care less that you are falling. Everyday life is simply apathetic. You have no energy to do anything about it.
At all.
You know it’s happening from a sort of outsider’s perspective. And, you know it’s not good, but there doesn’t seem to be one thing to possibly do. 2. The tears become a part of your daily existence. I say existence, because “life” would seem too cheerful a term. Tears started at the slightest thing…a drop of a hat, and often for no apparent reason. Weeks passed. Then months. My man was amazing during this entire process, and because he is so special to me, I knew I had to get answers. Finally after having some very difficult conversations, I came to grip with the facts that I needed help.
THAT is not something that anyone wants to readily admit. It’s embarrassing. It feels like failure. It seems like one couldn’t possibly be the spiritual person one believed they had been for years, because the Bible is filled with ways we are to think. Our entire Hope of Salvation is based on belief, and joy is our strength…but, what if belief was no longer the glue of faith, that held everything together?
Then what?
HOW does one possibly come back to the trust, and the faith that they held onto for decades?
It was a sobering time. Many prayers, tears, and conversations followed. Visits to the dr., and new medications tried. Even though I thought I was handling everything just fine, and though I had an amazing support system with family and friends…the knowledge that I now had a disease that only gets worse over time-with no cure, was a huge trigger for that downward spiral.
Still…I never guessed that would happen to me. I have been-for years-an affirmation-speaking, positive-thinking, self-developing kind of person. And, I still am, by the way. :)!
Y’ALL….I’m writing this, not for any kind of sympathy, because I am better, now. BUT, so that you can be aware of those around you. It’s not an easy subject, but one that is all around us, all the time…and sometimes well-hidden. If you see odd behavior, listlessness, non-caring, disengagement, and sadness…please know that the brain can be a tricky thing. Your friend or loved one can be…depressed. Sometimes severely, even very close to giving up, and you’d never know. Even those you’d least expect to be able, can give in to that overwhelming sadness. Stay alert. Deception is called deception for a reason.
What helped?
Prayer. From those who love me. From those who care.
Prayer…and support. From my man, for whom I am forever grateful, and from the family and friends mentioned above, and from the dr.
I am also incredibly grateful for music! Mandisa has an album entitled “Out of the Dark,” and I highly recommend it to anyone who needs to be reminded that Jesus cares-hears-and answers. Right where you are. It’s vulnerable. Transparent. Overwhelmingly beautiful, at times, and absolutely powerful!
Today? This post, is my “comeback song!”
Thank the Lord I did not slip too far down, but was further down than I’d ever experienced, or honestly thought possible. For the first time, I know I can say I understand depression. Mine was severe. I got help. I am not too proud to let you know. I always want to be upfront, and honest with you. The lesions in my brain are in a place that’s prone to cause depression, and many MS patients suffer with it. I was floored that the happy, cheerful, always upbeat person I was, could possible succumb to that overwhelming sadness. It can happen to anyone, y’all.
Grateful for every step in this journey, as it’s allowing me to better understand more, and to be better heard. Thanks for listening.
God loves you! Me, too. If you feel like you’re slipping down, seek help.
My husband always finds great quotes, for whatever the occasion, or need for introduction. This one seems to fit perfectly, so often. “There’s so much more to life that we have settled for.” Malcolm Gladwell
If you found value here, please share!
Plus-sized faith today-
“Winning the MS-Mind Game”,
Donnarae
